Introduction
I already know what you are thinking. How is is possible that Mr Max Data Dork (aka 3danim8) (aka Ken Black) doesn’t know how to use an Iphone or is it iPhone? Heck, I don’t even know how to capitalize the name! Sometimes I wonder why Apple had to reinvent the rules for capitalization.
Background
Before jumping to any conclusions, you should know that I have purchased every model of that phone that has ever existed. Not only that, I have had to buy multiple versions of all of them. The reason for this is that my kids Sarah and Colton have both had to have these phones over the years. I have spent countless thousands of dollars on the eyephone, or whatever it is called, and I inadvertently helped fuel the Apple mania that swept the nation over the past decade or so.
In my opinion, the only iPhone model that was worth a darn was the original version. There it is in Figure 1, the third phone from the left. Even with a small screen crack, it still works because it was built like a tank. It was made with a metal frame that gave it structural integrity.
Figure 1 – The original iPhone, third from the left. This is the only model that has ever been durable. The astute reader will notice that no other iPhones are in this antiquated collection. Why you ask? They all broke. From the looks of it, Motorola and Nokia built better and more durable phones.
All the subsequent models got to be too thin, they broke, they bent, the buttons fell out, the screens cracked, and they basically disintegrated at about 18 months each. I know this because I have had to rebuild them too many times to mention.
After a while I thought about opening an iPhone repair shop because I’ve got the tools and knowledge to do the job. Not only have I had to work on iPhones, I’ve done some sparring with the Apple light-as-air laptops, too.
Was this intentional flimsy design on the part of Apple? You bet. Why do you think they have had increasing sales since 2001? It has been a brilliant strategy, until now, that is.
Today it was announced that Apple suffered declining sales for the first time in 15 years. I feel terrible for them because they only sold 216 billion dollars in products this year. To combat this sudden loss of 18 billion dollars in revenue compared to last year, they must have read my blog and decided to give a cool name to one of their fancy iPhone 7 models.  Yep, you guessed it. They named the new iPhone Jet Black!
Well, for a variety of reasons, I decided to give this phone a test drive before they become functionally obsolete. At least Apple has figured out how to give its phone a cool name!
The Test
In typical 3danim8 fashion, I’m going to document the process of me trying to learn how to use this phone. I know, I can hear you saying it already.
It’s easy to use. It’s intuitive. Everyone knows how to use it.
I’ve heard it all before. You have to remember, you are listening to a guy that has yet to take an Uber ride and that his wife chose to call him “Max Data Dork” the other day, rather than call him something like “Kenny Cool Dude”.
Well, let me tell you that I have also tried to use an iMac for a few years and I finally gave up. The iMac was also supposed to be easy to use. I had so many issues with the intrinsic operating system limitations in the iMac and the illogical workflow approaches used in certain programs like Final Cut Pro, that I had to go to battle a few times with Apple.
I battled in person  with Apple’s “Genius” crew, and I’ve had a few battles over the phone with the “Genius’s” in California. I battled so many Genius’s that I finally had to get my own Genius Tee-shirt printed (Figure 2) to prove I was qualified to be a Genius too!
During these battles, I actually had to teach the Apple Genius’s how to do a few things, like how to connect a Canon camcorder to the iMac when the HDMI connections were were first introduced in camcorders. Nobody at Apple, anywhere in the US, knew how to make it happen until I showed them. How I actually figured it out was through an extensive series of tests. Easy to use? Â Not.
I even worked years with a wonderfully talented lady named Debbie that was an awesome Mac user that tried to help me think like an Apple user. Even she couldn’t help me. It was during those couple of years that I think I learned that my brain wasn’t wired the right way to understand the way that Apple user’s think.
For these reasons, I’m skeptical that this experience is going to be any better. In fact, the iMac is sitting next to our bed down here in Atlanta, like a long-lost hat or baseball glove that is trying to get lost under the bed (Figure 3).
Figure 3 – The forlorn and neglected iMac, just waiting for the day it might be returned to service.
The only reason I haven’t already flung it out of a window like a giant frisbee is that I am saving it for Jett. The problem with that is he will expect it to be a touch-screen, and it isn’t. Can’t Apple get things straight? Maybe I’ll be able to replace the screen with a touch version – Not, again.
Well, that’s about all for now. The phone has arrived and I’ll start using it this weekend. Just as with my Power BI evaluation, I’m keeping an open mind. I hope this phone is as much fun as people say it is. I’m looking forward to documenting my experience. If my past experiences with Apple are any indication of things to come, it should be interesting.
Good Timing for Analytics?
It was just announced that IBM is bringing Watson to the iPhone. Oh boy, that should be fun to try!
