Introduction
If you have ever read any of my first 200+ Tableau articles, you already know that sometimes articles are written in my mind while I sleep! This is one of those articles, so stay tuned to the end to read the real whopper (#5) that describes why I am happy NOT to a Tableau Zen Master!
Reason #1 – It’s Too Hard To Keep Up With Tableau!
I don’t know if you have been paying attention, but Tableau continues to evolve at light-speed. Whether it be a viz-in-a-tooltip or some data prep product originally called Maestro (I can’t play any instruments, and I certainly cannot conduct a symphony!), I realize that I am having trouble keeping up with the pace of new Tableau software features!
I don’t know about you, but I don’t have all day to learn new things! I wish Tableau would slow down to let me catch up. I think all the Zen Masters have to run marathons to have enough fitness to be able to keep pace with Tableau! Trying to keep pace with Tableau is starting to feel like a full-time job, and I don’t have time for another job!
To conclusively prove this point, a day after I wrote the two paragraphs above, Tableau announced that they acquired Empirical Systems. It figures! According to Francois Ajenstat:
“We are thrilled to welcome the Empirical team to Tableau to help us bring AI-powered analysis to the masses and enhance the way people interact with their data”
Now, do you believe me? I already have enough ways to “interact” with my data in Tableau! I should not have to become artificially intelligent just to use the software!
Reason #2 – I Already Have a Rock Garden
I’m a geologist, in case you don’t know me. I don’t need any more rocks! You can see from Figure 1 that I’m doing just fine in the rock garden arena.
In fact, my rocks have come from an ancient Indian village and my family has dug them up ourselves! If you do not think that is special, just wait until I show you the Indian artifacts we have found and the drone footage I’ve captured of our secret site! I dare you to top that one, Tableau!
Figure 1 – Our rock garden.
Reason #3 – I Can Exercise My Constitutional Rights Without Fear of Recrimination
In my blog, I can be mean or nasty if I want to be. Nobody can say anything to me about what I write since I am an independent voice. Since I do not belong to Tableau’s secretive club they call the Zen Masters, I have a certain freedom to say what I want, whenever I want. I like that freedom.
Figure 2 proves that the Constitution allows me this freedom (#1), as well as searching the data and seizing the data contents (#4)! Not even Tableau can take that away from me, especially since I’m NOT a Tableau Zen Master!
Figure 2 – The first four Amendments to the US Constitution.
Reason #4 – I Know The Truth About Tableau Conferences
Every year Tableau holds a big event they call a conference, but I think it is really an annual Tableau birthday party! Somehow Tableau convinces 15,000 of their closest friends (by calling them “data rockstars”!) to travel across the country and pay to attend their Tableau birthday party!
Supposedly everybody that goes to the party has a great time and wants to go to the next party. I have a feeling that Tableau is spiking the birthday cake with some secret, mind-altering ingredients! Maybe Tableau will start sending artificial intelligence snippets into the audience during their birthday party celebrations!
While at the party, people get up on stage, they dance, they sing, and they take a lot of pictures! On one day, a few “special” friends get invited up on the stage to join a secret club. I have heard that once these people are placed in the club, they are expected to meditate, perform intuitive operations, and practice Zen Buddism (Figure 3).
Figure 3 – The definition of Zen.
Now I don’t know about you, but getting up in front of 15,000 screaming friends doesn’t sound like too much fun to me. The lights would be bright, the sounds would be too loud, and the stage probably has tripping hazards everywhere! Additionally, having to practice those Zen things is more than I want to do. I bet Tableau installs some secret monitoring system in your house to make sure you are doing the things they tell you to do! I’m telling you, those people at Tableau are sneaky.
The worst part is that nobody from Tableau calls you on the telephone to inform you that you are going to have to be on the stage to join that secret club. I have heard that the way you find out is when you receive a rock in the mail! Can you believe that poor form of communication?
Tableau has the audacity to send you a box that contains a rock with no instructions, and then they expect you to pay money to show up to their own birthday party! I suppose you have to meditate while looking at the rock to understand the message being sent to you! The irony is that everyone that receives that box is very happy! I just do not understand it.
In this digital age of clear data communications, Tableau has gone back to the Neanderthal era by communicating a message via a rock! For me, I prefer a little more clarity, so this is the fourth reason I’m glad that I’m not a Tableau Zen Master!
Reason #5 – Everyone is Glad To Be A Zen Master Except For Me
I’m getting sick and tired of all these people talking about how wonderful it is to be invited to that secret group. I just don’t understand why it is so great to have your name and picture on a website, or your articles featured on the Tableau website. Neither of those things is such a big deal. Even my youngest son was featured on the Tableau website when he was 5-years old! If he can do it, anyone can! Well, almost anyone. I haven’t been able to do it yet, but I keep trying!
Until Tableau gets their act together and stops all these shenanigans, I don’t want to belong to that secret club. I do NOT want to be a Tableau Zen Master because it is too hard to do! There is too much work to do, such as liking an unending array of Twitter posts and making complex dashboards that are so artistic, they should be sold like movie posters are sold. I don’t have time for those things. I’ve got too many problems to solve!
So there, now you have the truth. However, if you want to try to join the club, follow this advice or this advice and one day you might get that rock in the mail. For me, there are at least five reasons why I am happy that I am NOT a Tableau Zen Master!
Final Thoughts
I know that this is a silly article but I wrote it for two reasons.
The first reason is that when Big Magic happens, I have learned to write the stuff down, no matter what. If I didn’t write it when I awoke, it would be gone from my brain by the time lunch arrived. I can’t control what happens in my brain when I sleep, but I can write the stories when I am awake. Plus, it is sometimes fun to write ridiculous articles. Being serious all the time isn’t good for anyone!
The second reason I wrote this shall remain secret for now. I’ll reveal the answer in an upcoming article. In case you don’t know, I have been known to conduct secret scientific experiments within the confines of this blog. Thanks for reading!
Great article! Now let’s all vote for Ken to nominate him when the 2019 process opens, or just send him a rock and see if he shows up.
Ben –
You know you that I hold you in very high regard! Please, please don’t put those thoughts into anyone’s head! How could you do that to me? I might have to strike back with a counter-offensive, giving you a double nomination of Tableau Zen Master and Alteryx ACE. Don’t play with fire, pal!
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